the magic of life

A puppet on a string

If you feel drained and tired more often than it seems acceptable to you, then I invite you to ask yourself these questions.

In what way do I give away my personal power?

Do I worry about what others think of me and expect me to do or not to do?

Do I have the need to please others?

Do I have the need to appear in a certain way to make sure I am accepted and loved?

Do I have to be “good” because that’s how I am supposed to be?

Do I always try to avoid disappointing others?

If your answer (your real honest answer when you dig deep) is yes to any of these questions, you might not only feel tired, but also overwhelmed, isolated, imprisoned, stressed, anxious, unloved, torn apart, ugly, bad and who knows what else.

When your personal power is chipped away, you feel less.

I thought I was done with these questions but that was simply my ego keeping me from undergoing more change and transformation. At least that’s how I see it now. Change is scary. It’s threatening our comfort and our existence.

I made myself believe that I didn’t care what others think of me. That I didn’t give into expectations. That I knew that the person I am expected to be is not the real me. But it all got mushy and confusing. Who am I?

And what about all the “supposed to’s”? They are all outside of me, governing me and I am no more than a puppet on a string.

I am always amazed by and grateful for these revelations, even if they are painful.

I am not sad, nor I am defeated to realize all this and see myself in a different light. I am in fact happy. I am relieved and excited that I have opened another door and made another step forward.

I am an unfolding mystery. And so are you.

Are you willing to get to know yourself? Are you willing to love your so called less desirable aspects?

If you say yes, that will lead you to freedom and peace.

Just don’t fool yourself. Tune in and feel your heart beat. The truth is in there.

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Inner child

Hungry for Love

She was small and fragile, hiding in a damp, cave-like basement. I could tell she was neglected and malnourished. Skinny little thing, trying to be invisible, merely peaking from behind the walls. Her dirty hair stuck to her face, and her hollow cheeks gave her a very sad look.

She was the image I was presented with when I asked myself in my meditation about my overeating issues.

For years I thought I was fine, I was done with all my obsessive eating patterns and habits. I was wrong and most of all; I was in denial. But that’s ok. I must have had a good reason for that too, to make myself believe that I was “better than” before. I was still resisting parts of me I wasn’t proud of.

I feel like now I am ready to embrace another dark corner of mine, or better said, shed light on the root of the issues.

The past few months I often found myself overeating – especially on bread. I eat even if I am not hungry, I eat even if I’m full, until I feel sick. Just couldn’t stop and I am stuffing my face as if there is no tomorrow.

To be honest it brings up a lot of shame in me, and a lot of judgment. After all I am supposed to be better, right? Especially that for a couple of years, I have been teaching people how to eat healthy.

The reality is, that I am not supposed to be anything, I am no better or worse than anyone else.

My heart opened and I felt there is something I need to investigate, that all the episodes of overeating are just a symptom and there must be a message underneath it all.

So I decided to dive deeper again, and that’s when I met her. The skinny, sad looking girl hiding in the basement.

She was terrified, so it took a while to establish contact with her. There was a table out there, I just sat there, waited, and started to talk to her.

I made sure she knew I don’t want to hurt her.

“I came here because I need your help, I just want to talk to you.” – I said.

She never said a word, only communicated with me telepathically.

I found out she only comes out of hiding when there is no one around, and then eats all the leftovers what other people leave on the table. When she finds food, she just eats and eats. That is her assurance to have enough for later during rough times, when scarcity hits. Then she goes back into hiding in the dark damp corners, vigilant and tired, waiting for the next opportunity to “fill her tank”.

She said she was a bad girl and wasn’t allowed to be like the others. At this point my heart sank and all I wanted to do is to hug her, hold her and tell her that it’s really not true.

After a while she eased up a bit more in my company. I asked for her forgiveness.

“ I am so sorry I never saw you, I am sorry I ignored you all these years.” – I pleaded.

My love made her softer every minute. Then I invited her to the table and asked her if she wanted to eat.

I told her she can eat whatever she wants and as much she desires.

She was still very shy, but slowly left the shadowy corner of the cave and came to the table to sit with me.

She wanted bread with butter and honey. Then pasta with cottage cheese. I gave her all that.

It was interesting to see her order, as these were key foods from my childhood.

Once she finished eating I encouraged her to stay, instead of running away, as she would usually do.

She was living in fear and scarcity for so long, she still had to learn what it is like to be safe.

“Let’s go outside!Let’s leave this place.” – I encouraged her lovingly.

As she held my hand and we started walking, she suddenly stopped. We both had to look back and we saw a lot more tiny little girls coming out from other corners of the cave-like basement.

All the abandoned and scared inner children now seeing that it was safe, they felt strong enough to reunite with us. I saw them being integrated into her as we made our way towards the exit.

The sun stroked my face, it was beautiful outdoors. I was very happy to lead my little girl into freedom.

We enjoyed our nature walk together, holding hands and making our relationship stronger.

“Would you like to go home now?” – I asked and she nodded.

I took her to her new home where she could be safe and loved. A beautiful house with big windows, lovely white plush sofa and a big wooden table.

I asked her if she was hungry but she said she wasn’t.

Then I noticed how hesitant she was, she had the urge to eat, now that she had a chance.

I sat with her and explained to her that she doesn’t need to eat when she is not hungry, because there is food whenever she needs it. She can sit by the big table whenever she feels hungry, so she doesn’t have to eat “in advance”.

After a while she understood and appreciated her new situation.

“I’ll be here whenever you need me.” – I reassured her. “You don’t need to hide again, you are safe now and I protect you.” – I said to her as I looked her in the eye.

The girl who once looked so malnourished, dirty and skinny, now transformed completely.

Her hollow cheeks were round again, her eyes lit up as I talked to her. Most of all she seemed calm and peaceful.

Finally she was happy and safe.

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my story

Meeting the future me

7 years ahead on our three dimensional timeline. There I am standing in front of my future self – and daughter.

What a beautiful sight, both of us standing there, couldn’t be more peaceful.

We are in British Columbia, Canada at our cottage by the lake, surrounded by nature.

I am staring at my future self admiring her beauty, her confidence and that inner knowing she exudes.

“It’s all good.” – she says. “You’re going to be fine.”

Before I sat down to meditate today, I set an intention to meet my future self, as I was seeking advice in term of how to proceed at this moment in my life, especially in building a business that is tied to my purpose and benefits many people.

Even though I didn’t get a clear business advice – that is not what I expected anyway – I got some valuable insights from my future self. And most of all I was able to integrate her energetic imprint.

As she stood there with her long wavy hair at the end of the deck, smiling confidently and peacefully, I asked her how she got there where she is right now.

“I followed my heart” – she answered.

“I was curious.” -she continued. “I talked to people and other successful women.”

The rest of her advice came in pictures, implanted in my brain as subtle suggestions.

The weather was perfect, she and her daughter were like two angels standing in front of me in their long white dresses with flowers in their hair. They looked happy and fulfilled.

As our encounter reached the end, she came closer to give me a hug. When she approached me, I started to absorb her energy more and more. First she became translucent then disappeared into me.

To be honest it was a very touching visit, it made me quite emotional to see my future self. And to be able to integrate her was a beautiful gift.

I now carry her within me, along with the inner knowing that ‘it is all working out fine’. I now have her peaceful energy, confidence and love.

Seeing myself with my future daughter was also very moving. So grateful for this experience.

It inspires me to meditate more again and set an intention before I go deeper.

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the magic of life

Divine dialogue

If you ever felt like a failure or if you ever felt incapable and frustrated with your life, then read this.
I’m sharing part of my journaling with you, conversations I had with God – or call it higher consciousness or source energy.
I was blaming everything for not being able to progress in my life the way I want to. I often live with the fear that I am wasting my potential and I will die without having used that potential buried inside of me.
In my dark hours and lethargic state I surrendered and turned to God. I just wanted to listen really, nothing else.
Interestingly, everything changed and this wisdom gave me hope and changed my perception.
So here it goes:

God, what do you want me to do?
See the beauty around you, and within. See your incredible strength and persistence.
You may perceive yourself as a failure according to society’s current standards, but that doesn’t mean you really failed. You are a brave soul, going on a path less traveled and you are building new roads as you go.

What’s so beautiful in my anger and frustration?
They make you rise, they set you on fire and that fire burns all the unwanted in its way. You are purging and taking on new shape and form.
Anger is your catalyst. It makes you rise up and stand up for yourself. A woman with fire inside of her, handling her demons is a beautiful woman.
There is beauty in everything, both in darkness and light.
So don’t run, let it burn, let it be.

My anger and frustration are directed at me feeling impotent and incapable.That’s just because I still don’t fully believe in myself. But I want to end my suffering.

God, give me signs and ideas, tell me how. Tell how I need to be.

You’re saying, all is in me, already stored, just need to be activated? 

Yes, and the rest needs to be cleared. You have to learn how to access that potential. Look at for example what Mariana said about past lives. Use the ones, when you were a princess, a ruler, or a woman with prestige to tap into that abundance and confidence. You’ve been there before, it’s all in you, so it’s just a matter of focus.

This is how you use your tools, the tools of knowing about your past lives and access that consciousness.

You have so much resources and options. You, you alone choose out of your free will whether you focus on what you don’t have, or on what you do have.

It’s a matter of focus and attention. That focus paired with consistency and persistence can help you achieve anything your soul desires.

Look at all the things you have manifested so far. You are a master creator. The more you’re able to do conscious manifesting, the happier and more fulfilled your life is going to be.

 

Hope these divine conversation serve your highest good. Let me know in the comments, I’d love to hear from you.

 

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the magic of life

Regret

Regret.

Today I committed to do my best to be present and enjoy what life has to offer.

I spent more time complaining than I should have. Often times while living in Geneva I was wishing I was somewhere else.

I have regrets that I didn’t get the most out of life while being there. Could have learned more French, visited more places in Switzerland and so on. Most of all I wish I would have appreciated more what I had there and that I have integrated more in society.

And here I am now in Marbella, Spain thinking of Geneva, missing our home, missing friends, the lovely streets, the lake, the swans and all. Isn’t it foolish? 🙂

Yes, there is regret in my heart, I won’t deny it. But I don’t plan to dwell on it, I want to learn from it.

If nothing else, it thought me that I need to be present, see how fortunate I am, see the beauty around me, take advantage of opportunities, be there with the people.

I am dedicated to being present in my life both with the “good” and “bad” experiences that come along.

I am embarking on a new journey soon in New York. This is a transitional time I am spending in Spain and then Hungary. But it doesn’t make it any less meaningful.

There is so much to be grateful for.

I wanted to come back to Southern Spain for a long time, I have been missing this place on the Costa del Sol, where my journey abroad has started. Now I got another chance to enjoy it, absorb its beauty, get tanned, swim in the sea, meet old and new friends…and stay in a beautiful villa with magnificent mountain views.

Complaining makes us lose our power. So take a chance to be grateful for where you are, what you are given. Let’s live in the now. No regrets.

 

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the magic of life

Are we committed to life?

Have you ever thought about taking your own life? Or harming yourself in a way or another?

The saddest thing is that most of us do it anyway, we live a life with so much resistance that we miss out on life itself. And in the meantime we harm ourselves in either overt or covert ways.

 

I had some thoughts coming up around this subject especially after reading the blog of my beautiful friend and soul sister, Amber Flavia.

The topic of suicide and not wanting to live I realize is a taboo topic, somewhat similar to sexual shame and secrecy around money and finances.

There is this darkness that surrounds the subject. There is a lot we don’t understand and therefore fear.

Most of us, even if we don’t admit it, had suicidal thoughts at some point in our life. We question our existence, the purpose of our life. We often don’t understand why we through so much pain and suffering. What is the point? It clearly wasn’t meant to be this way. Or was it?

 

I myself had thoughts about dying and taking my own life. And it doesn’t mean that I would have actually act upon it.

It’s rather strange if you think about it, living in human form, with all these physical “limitations”. But then there are days, when you find beauty and joy in that exact same thing. In the physical, in the flaws, in the slowness and denseness of the 3D world.

 

As a child I witnessed people wanting to throw themselves off the top of the building, and on two occasions I saw the bodies on the ground. The housing estate where I grew up seemed rather grim at times, and I couldn’t wait to get out.

 

So have you ever thought about killing yourself? Or just stop existing? I sure did and sometimes still do.

I think the most important thing is to validate these feelings as Amber also suggests in her blog.

By validating these feelings it doesn’t mean that you would push someone or yourself into actual suicide. We simply remove a layer. A layer of fear that also prevents connection.

 

About self-harm. I want to share something with you. Throughout my teenage years and in my twenties I used to have flashes and images in my head about physically harming myself.

Whenever I saw a sharp object, such as scissors or knives, I had the flashing image in my head of poking my eyes with that tool and making holes in my cheeks then the rest of my face with it.

I am aware of how grim and twisted it sounds. It’s my darkness – we all have that darkness.

Don’t bury it inside, shed light onto it. Stop fearing it.

Luckily I don’t want to harm myself anymore. I haven’t had these flashes for a couple of years now.

I never ended up harming myself with any of those sharp objects I saw in my head flashing in front of me, nevertheless it was a disturbing experience.

But you know what? I found ways to harm myself without physical tools.

It often happens to people who have gone through childhood abuse or suffered extensive trauma in their early years.

 

In my case I managed to harm myself with alcohol and smoking cigarette, engaging in not so healthy sexual relationships, bad eating habits – and simply by not loving myself, putting myself in risky situations, where I was not safe and could get hurt easily.

See? We find overt or covert ways.

 

We don’t necessarily have to commit suicide to end our own life.

Most of us are living dead anyway. That’s the worst, don’t you think?

 

And we don’t necessarily have to cut into our skin in order to harm ourselves.

We can break our own heart and abuse ourselves in so many diverse ways that is shocking.

 

There is a lot of healing needed, and a lot of letting go.

Maybe if we talked about our dark thoughts, it wouldn’t be so scary and overwhelming in the first place. Maybe if there was no shame and stigma attached to it, it would lose its significance and could be transformed with ease.

 

If we just question these thoughts about suicide and self-harm, whether or not they are even ours, we open up a new stream of energies. But when we turn away from them and the dark feelings that accompany them, they remain in the dark and keep growing there, taking control over us.

Why not be curious and try to understand it all? Instead of running away and freaking out.

 

What is so scary about death?

What is so scary about causing damage?

What is so scary about destroying oneself?

Those of us living, are we actually committed to life?

 

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the magic of life

The crows are coming

I am a magician.

Standing on top of the rocks, it’s warm, the air is dry. I slowly start to demolish the rocks and bricks under my feet. All I need is my mental power. No wrecking balls, no tools, just my mind, my power.

They crash and break into small pieces as they hit the ground. All is left is a tall pile of rocks I am standing on, high up in the air.

I decide to climb down. I want to destroy it all, I want to demolish every last bit.

So I grab the pile of rocks right from the very bottom and I shake it until all the pieces fall to the ground.

Relief.

Crows are coming, beautiful black beings flying above me in circles, they are everywhere. Their presence feels like home.

The storm is coming. I seek shelter under the branches of old trees. They form a cave that keeps me safe. The fire I made keeps me warm.

I am a magician. I am a witch.

As I am gazing at the fire, a big white bear appears to me. I let him be and he lets me be. All is perfect, all is good.

The storm stops and I leave my shelter.

I am called to create.

I am a magician, I am a witch.

Standing over the demolished rocks again, I feel their rough surface under my bare feet.

I start to spin. I go faster and faster…and I create.

As I spread my arms, I can see a grand stage emerging in my vortex.

Somewhat similar to Greek Amphitheatres, majestic and dry. My creation.

Standing in the middle of the stage, resting my eye on the horizon, I soak in the moment.

I soak in every sensation.

Green lights are hovering over me.

I am standing tall.

I am a magician.

I am a witch.

 

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