She was small and fragile, hiding in a damp, cave-like basement. I could tell she was neglected and malnourished. Skinny little thing, trying to be invisible, merely peaking from behind the walls. Her dirty hair stuck to her face, and her hollow cheeks gave her a very sad look.
She was the image I was presented with when I asked myself in my meditation about my overeating issues.
For years I thought I was fine, I was done with all my obsessive eating patterns and habits. I was wrong and most of all; I was in denial. But that’s ok. I must have had a good reason for that too, to make myself believe that I was “better than” before. I was still resisting parts of me I wasn’t proud of.
I feel like now I am ready to embrace another dark corner of mine, or better said, shed light on the root of the issues.
The past few months I often found myself overeating – especially on bread. I eat even if I am not hungry, I eat even if I’m full, until I feel sick. Just couldn’t stop and I am stuffing my face as if there is no tomorrow.
To be honest it brings up a lot of shame in me, and a lot of judgment. After all I am supposed to be better, right? Especially that for a couple of years, I have been teaching people how to eat healthy.
The reality is, that I am not supposed to be anything, I am no better or worse than anyone else.
My heart opened and I felt there is something I need to investigate, that all the episodes of overeating are just a symptom and there must be a message underneath it all.
So I decided to dive deeper again, and that’s when I met her. The skinny, sad looking girl hiding in the basement.
She was terrified, so it took a while to establish contact with her. There was a table out there, I just sat there, waited, and started to talk to her.
I made sure she knew I don’t want to hurt her.
“I came here because I need your help, I just want to talk to you.” – I said.
She never said a word, only communicated with me telepathically.
I found out she only comes out of hiding when there is no one around, and then eats all the leftovers what other people leave on the table. When she finds food, she just eats and eats. That is her assurance to have enough for later during rough times, when scarcity hits. Then she goes back into hiding in the dark damp corners, vigilant and tired, waiting for the next opportunity to “fill her tank”.
She said she was a bad girl and wasn’t allowed to be like the others. At this point my heart sank and all I wanted to do is to hug her, hold her and tell her that it’s really not true.
After a while she eased up a bit more in my company. I asked for her forgiveness.
“ I am so sorry I never saw you, I am sorry I ignored you all these years.” – I pleaded.
My love made her softer every minute. Then I invited her to the table and asked her if she wanted to eat.
I told her she can eat whatever she wants and as much she desires.
She was still very shy, but slowly left the shadowy corner of the cave and came to the table to sit with me.
She wanted bread with butter and honey. Then pasta with cottage cheese. I gave her all that.
It was interesting to see her order, as these were key foods from my childhood.
Once she finished eating I encouraged her to stay, instead of running away, as she would usually do.
She was living in fear and scarcity for so long, she still had to learn what it is like to be safe.
“Let’s go outside!Let’s leave this place.” – I encouraged her lovingly.
As she held my hand and we started walking, she suddenly stopped. We both had to look back and we saw a lot more tiny little girls coming out from other corners of the cave-like basement.
All the abandoned and scared inner children now seeing that it was safe, they felt strong enough to reunite with us. I saw them being integrated into her as we made our way towards the exit.
The sun stroked my face, it was beautiful outdoors. I was very happy to lead my little girl into freedom.
We enjoyed our nature walk together, holding hands and making our relationship stronger.
“Would you like to go home now?” – I asked and she nodded.
I took her to her new home where she could be safe and loved. A beautiful house with big windows, lovely white plush sofa and a big wooden table.
I asked her if she was hungry but she said she wasn’t.
Then I noticed how hesitant she was, she had the urge to eat, now that she had a chance.
I sat with her and explained to her that she doesn’t need to eat when she is not hungry, because there is food whenever she needs it. She can sit by the big table whenever she feels hungry, so she doesn’t have to eat “in advance”.
After a while she understood and appreciated her new situation.
“I’ll be here whenever you need me.” – I reassured her. “You don’t need to hide again, you are safe now and I protect you.” – I said to her as I looked her in the eye.
The girl who once looked so malnourished, dirty and skinny, now transformed completely.
Her hollow cheeks were round again, her eyes lit up as I talked to her. Most of all she seemed calm and peaceful.
Finally she was happy and safe.